Vermehrt lese ich Blogartikel von Bloggerinnen, die damals etwa zeitgleich mit mir begonnen haben zu Schreiben und etwa in meinem Alter sind. Meist handelt es sich bei den Beiträgen um eine Abhandlung ihres Lebens, mehr oder weniger zufrieden mit dem Erreichten der letzten Jahre. Eins ist den Beiträgen aber gemein: Alle fürchten sie die immer näher rückende Drei. Sie schwebt über ihnen wie ein Tachelesschwert und es werden Begriffe und Umschreibungen gesucht, sie zu beschönigen. 40 sei das Neue 30 liest man da, oder dass man so jung ist, wie man sich fühle. Auch gibt es die, die zum 4. oder 5. mal 27 werden.
Dabei frage ich mich immer, was eigentlich an dieser bösen Drei so schlimm ist? Warum wird sie so gefürchtet? Und was bedeutet eine Zahl konkret für mich, welche Auswirkung hat sie auf mein Leben? Was habe ich eigentlich erreicht die letzten Jahre? Habe ich meine 20er genutzt?
Nun und dann kam ich an einem Punkt, an dem ich wirklich ernsthaft bemüht war, mich wieder in mein 20 Jähriges Ich hineinzudenken und stellte fest, dass die kommende Drei für mich eine ganz andere Bedeutung hat als bei all diesen Bloggerinnen.
Mit 20, frisch aus der Schule entkommen, sollte mir die Welt eigentlich zu Füßen gelegen haben. Doch, statt mich frei zu fühlen, fühlte ich mich eher in sie hinein geworfen. Auch wenn ich 2008 den schönsten Sommer meines Lebens verbrachte, war ich danach absolut verloren. Ich wusste nicht wer ich bin, geschweige denn wo ich konkret hin wollte. Ich war verschüchtert und ängstlich – unsicher.
Mehr oder weniger aus Perspektivlosigkeit und fehlendem Selbstbewusstsein, begann ich also mit meinem Studium, nicht weil ich es immer wollte, sondern schlicht, weil ich nicht wusste was ich wollte.
Doch, was ist aus diesem unsicheren Mädchen von 2008 geworden?
Heute weiß ich wer ich bin. Ich muss mich nicht mehr beweisen, habe meine Grenzen abgesteckt und meine innere Mitte gefunden. Im Grunde könnte man sagen, dass ich mit mir im Reinen bin.
Ich habe meine 20er hauptsächlich mit meinem Studium und Reisen verbracht, habe soziale Kontakte rund über den Erdball geknüpft und gepflegt, geheiratet und baue aktuell mein absolutes Traumhaus mit meinem Traummann. Das Ein oder andere fällt sicher auch unter die Kategorie „intelligent war’s nicht, aber geil“. Hätte man diese Infos meinem 15 Jährigen ich das damals zukommen lassen, wäre es wahrscheinlich vor Lachen erstickt.
Im Grunde habe ich meine 20er aber in vollen Zügen genossen. Ich bereue nichts und bin froh jetzt genau hier stehen zu können, wo ich jetzt bin. Auf die ein oder andere Erfahrung hätte ich sicherlich verzichten können, dennoch hat jede dieser Erfahrungen mich geprägt und wachsen lassen und mich zu dem Menschen gemacht, der ich aktuell bin. Klar, hätte ich fleißiger sein können, einen Doktortitel haben oder etwas bahnbrechendes erfinden können … aber das brauche ich für mich mittlerweile nicht mehr. Ich habe aufgehört mich zu vergleichen, aufgehört nach Dingen zu streben, die andere haben und begonnen mich darauf zu konzentrieren, was ich wirklich will. Ich genieße die Ruhe der Endzwanziger, wirklich.
„Es irrt der Mensch, solange er strebt“ hat Goethe schon in seinem Faust niedergeschrieben. Jahrelang hat mich dieser Satz wahnsinnig gemacht. Freilich sollte er ausdrücken, dass Menschen nicht unfehlbar sind in ihrem Handeln. Dennoch hatte ich „Streben“ immer mit Fortbewegung gleichgesetzt und in meiner Schwarz-Weiß-Sicht Stillstand als Komplementär angesehen. Heute sehe ich Strebsamkeit meist immer noch als positive Eigenschaft, dennoch habe ich gelernt, dass man sich auch geruhsam fortbewegen kann und diese Ruhe – das innerliche Ankommen – wie auch das gelegentliche Rasten, wirklich wichtig ist. Ich habe gelernt, zwischen aller Strebsamkeit zu Ruhen, zu verhoffen, durchzuatmen und meinen Geist zu sortieren, mir ab und an bewusst zu machen auf welchem Weg ich bin und ob es das ist, was ich wirklich will. Ich habe aufgehört, aus lauter Vorwärtsdrang das Wesentliche aus den Augen zu verlieren und meine Fehlerquote so deutlich minimiert. Dabei habe ich nicht nur jemanden, sondern auch etwas gefunden, was mich wirklich glücklich macht. Die Frage von oben, kann ich jetzt, im Gegensatz zu damals ganz eindeutig mit „glücklich“ beantworten.
Vielleicht stört mich auch aus diesem Grund die drohende 3 nicht. Auch wenn ich noch etwas über 2 Jahre habe, freue ich mich irgendwie auf die 30er. Der erwartete Schweißausbruch bleibt jedenfalls bei mir aus.
Wie sieht’s denn bei Euch aus? Fühlt ihr Euch so, als ob ihr zu viel verpasst habt? Habt ihr Angst vor der 3? Habt ihr Eure Bucket List abgearbeitet? Hattet ihr überhaupt eine? Oder wenn ihr jünger seid: was habt ihr Euch vorgenommen bis 30 erlebt zu haben?
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